my newest goal is to post on here everyday with my previous days logs.
i need to keep track.

so. today i've had
a veggie subway sandwhich with cheese and two tbsp of mayo -300
1 granola bar                                                                                           -140
toast and jelly                                                                                           -145
three jelly beans                                                                                       -10
and one bite of cookie                                                                            - 25

TOTAL - 620

i'm a fatass.
ran a mile, walked another one.

not enough.

ashley, you fail.

i miss you

i'd lose 20 pounds
winner ashley

please, someone, anyone.
just talk to me.
i'm going out of my mind.
completely out of my mind.
my bulimia, now that its now been thrown out into the open, has quickly morphed into something i can't control.
never, in my life, have i ever been so /terrified/ of food.
i can't eat salad.
i can't drink water cause i know it bloats me up and makes me even fatter.
i can't do it.
i'm gonig out of my mind..
and now recovery is just.. its the last thing i want.
they're saying i can't exercise anymore.
they're saying i need to go off my laxatives and when i do, because i've abused them so long, i'll most likely gain 10-15 pounds of dead weight.
my family won't let me go to the bathroom after meals anymore.
i can't go to friends houses.
i can't go to my room after meals because they know i can puke in bags.
i'm on lockdown in my own life.
i had more freedom when i was lying my ass off.
i hate it, but i'm going to have to lie my way through treatment..
i hate wasting that money, i hate wasting that concern..
but i literally CANNOT do this.
i've been almost a month without throwing up; maybe two slip ups in an entire month.
i wish i could see that as good.
but all it means is now i can't eat EVER.
i used to crave anorexia, crave being able to just stop with food, crave not having to purge.
i want to kill myself it was such a ridiculous wish.
bulimia is horrid, it really is, but this is bulimia on speed.
my bulimia's still running on high, its just dormant because i can't eat anymore.
i still need to use laxatives anytime i eat, and the eating itself is EXCRUCIATING..
the pain..
good lord.

cynthia..
cynthia pretty much just stopped trying.
she said she'd recover, she said she'd help.
she's stopped.
she made it what.. three days?
i'm glad i mean so much.
she loves me so much.
sure.
she's complaining about getting up to 120 again.
and i'm sitting here at FUCKING 130 AGAIN knowing for a fact that if she ever got over 125 she'd cut herself and tear heself to pieces
i'm gaining weight for her
she tells me its okay
"ashley, you're beautiful, you're not fat, you need to eat."
what a fucking hypocrite.
our relationship is falling apart.
everything is falling apart.

and i don't want to put it back together anymore.

was pretty successful.
i had a starbucks frappacino this morning- no whipped cream.
i thought it was less than it was, so that kinda sucked.
otherwise, i had tea.
and just finished chocolate milk.
i'm debating purging the milk..
i feel fat and heavy.
no food.
resisted binging.
multiple times.
i feel strong.
day two is going to be a success (:

why can no one around me eat normally?
i'm not  being dramatic, i'm not exaggerating.
NO ONE i know does.

my moms a closet anorexic.
joe goes through phases of crazy diets and exercise and binges.
my dads a compulsive over-eater.
cynthia's a "recovered" anorexic.
katie's losing her battle to be healthy- cutting to 200 calories a day.
tifani balances between being a binge eater and becoming insanely health conscious.

just.. are you fucking kidding me?
i'm..
i'm so tired of dealing with this shit.
i'm tired of feeling like i'm not good enough.
i'm tired of being /scared/ of food.
i know the statistics of full recovery in an ideal enviorment.
i'm in far less than ideal.
i'm fucked.

update, thought-
i'm sure this will illicit some sort of terrible response, some you're wanna bullshit.
frankly, i couldn't care less, so go for it.
but.
i'm curious as to the others on this community who have bulimia.
is it only me who sees myself as a failure for having this /particular/ eating disorder?
for not being able to control my emotions, and thus the compulsive way in which i deal with them?
there's always so many highs and lows to my moods, the constant swinging, my tears, my cutting, my delight at the tiniest things, my enthusiasm for life.
my brain can't keep up with the emotions and the constant /movement/ drives me crazy.

is there anyone who secertely  wishes they could, should given the choice, by completely anorexic?
silence the constant binge purge cycle.
at least restriction results in a delicate balance of safety for me, a small period where i can breathe and be okay and not feel quite so guilty. its better than the constant swinging that i deal with now.

honestly, i wish more than anything for health.
to be /normal/. to eat with my friends, not waste my family's time, their money..
to not disappoint the expectations of everyone around me,
to not indulge only to deny and then tell myself i'm not worth anything, not worth life.
but..
i just can't see it happening.
i've tried so many times to privately recover.
to do whats right, what i know is healthy.
and here i sit, lamenting over half a homemade burger and a nutri-grain bar, wishing i had purged when i got the chance.
its ridiculous.
the guilt.
god, the guilt.
i could shoot myself just to end the constant guilt.
the purgings fucked with my body.
everythings too slow or to fast- my hormones are out of check.
i wish i could starve.
starve and just /die/.
die if only for the silence, the lack of compulsion to tear myself apart.
i'm not ignorant in thinking anorexia isn't horrible- frankly, i think in the scheme of things, its the more dangerous of the two, the one that permenantly messes with your brain, fucks everything over.
so who the fuck am i to wish for something that could kill me?
i'm a real piece of shit, and it disgusts me.
and there the desire sits anyway.
the steady silence that comes with no food, no acknowledgment of need.
i want out of my mind, out of everything.
i want the detatchement that comes right before you die.
i want to feel like i accomplished something when nothing else in my life has turned out the way it was expected of me.
i'd die to be thin.
i realized it, and its sad.
i don't know if treatment will work.
i don't know if i can let go of my restricting and allow myself to fully let go.
i'm such a weak fuck.
who would ever /hold on/ to an eating disorder?
me, thats who.

god.
that was long.
and probably pointless save for i feel a tiny bit better.
goodnight.

so.
for those of you who read about my freakout last week-
me and cynthia are better.
better-ish anyway.
i wouldn't necessarily call us stable, but we're headed in that direction.
which is..
its wonderful.
honestly, i wouldn't be able to function without her.
so.
thats good (:

however.
this last friday.
i freaked out.
had a shit day, had my step dad tell me he wished i didn't exist.
which prompted a breakdown at school.
which prompted me being sent to a youth advocate.
which prompted me being overwhelmed, stressed, sleep-deprived and then a victim of terrible terrible decision making.
i told them about my bulimia
my dad was informed.
i start therapy.

-sighs-

at least i can stop binging and purging.
i haven't been able to eat lately because i've been so freaked out about it...
i know i don't want to be bulimic anymore, but the thought of getting rid of it is terrifying..
-blush-
i guess i can always go back if i can't handle life without it...

but.
i also finally started my job. :D
which means i can start getting money, pay for my extra classes, and hopefully put me one step early to graduating at the end of my junior year.
so.
all good things (:

i want to die.

i've got to stop.
seriously.

if i continue bulimia anymore i'm gonna end up killing myself.
i want to /die/ so much of the time.

i've made the decision to stop purging.
i didn't all weekend.
still binged unfortunately.
143.
i can't.. i can't even describe the disgust when i got on that scale.
i..
140's...
i've decided anorexia is my only hope.
bulimia is so consuming.. so backwards and based on consumption and a outlet for my stresses and feelings and fears.
i understand that.
but i can't keep going on like this.
i know anorexia is no better.
in fact, it may be worse.
but i just.. i can't.
i can't anymore.
i will do /anything/ to stop binging.
the compulsion to binge, and then the struggle to not purge..
its excruciating.

i'm willing to die to be thin.
i thought it over a lot this weekend.
it was a horrendous and bleak conclusion.
but..
its the truth.
i'm willing to die.
so..
anorexia.
here i am.

monday-sunday- liquid fast.
NO SOLIDS.
at all.
faint for all i care.

300 calorie burn.
i wonder how much i can lose this week...

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.
Thomas Jefferson

 

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle

Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice, and need.
Voltaire

Keep steadily before you the fact that all true success depends at last upon yourself.
Theodore T. Hunger

Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.
Robert Collier

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will.
Vince Lombardi

 

Impatience never commanded success.
Edwin H. Chapin

To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first.
Shakespeare

Success does not consist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one a second time.
Josh Billing

a weekend of binging.
so so so much fucking food.
it was my birthday weekend, and i just went insane.
and, yesterday, i was 139.
yeah.
a pound away from 140 and the sign that i GAINED NINE POUNDS since thursday.
i'm a fucking pig.
i can't.. i just can't even believe i did that.
i'm feeling the reprercussions now.
i took 4 extra strength laxatives yesterday.
i'm waiting for them to kick in- my luck it'll happen during school.

but.
i've created a plan to get me back down to 130 by friday.

monday- water, jello, water packets, gum
tuesday - water, jello, water packets, gum, pudding
wednesday water, jello, water packets, gum, pudding
thursday- water, jello, water packets, gum STEAMERS BROCCOLI ONLY if i'm going to pass out.
friday- water, jello, water packets, gum, pudding.

STILL at 132 :/
i can't seem to break past 131.
i've been bouncing back and forth between these two for almost two weeks. >;C

today was pretty successful.
the goal was under 200.
i had
cereal -120
spinach -10
strawberries- 53
sucker -50
starburst- 20

so. my total..
253 :/
okay without the sucker; i was craving candy /so/ badly though..
pig.
ugh.

i want 130 tomorrow.
it won't happen, but i can still hope.
now i'm just waiting for cynthia to call; i'm fucking exhausted but i know she wants to talk.
tomorrows a day of trying to avoid being a fatass when my grandparents take me out for my birthday dinner :/
lone star, chicken ceaser salad.
under 500 calories.
i looked it up early.
NOTHING is gonna deter me that.

133 this morning.
132 after school.
i napped, and had a banana (90 calories)
then a new learn cuisine dinner (270)
i left all of the meat and ate the vegetables and potatoes.
so i'm guessing it was actually closer to 200 calories.
whats pathetic is i debated purging.
debated it a lot..
just.. the food is so /heavy/..
it just sits and i can feel it expand and take over and i'm so scared to keep food in me anymore..
i'm going crazy..
and now debating on laxatives :/

so.
for the now.
total of 290.
whatever.
could be better, could be worse.
i'm gonna run tonight, burn off 300.
hopefully i'll be 130 or 131 tomorrow morning.
129 by wednesday night/ thursday morning.
then a two day fast and then raw veggies/fruits until the 9th.
god help me.
i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

and i'm awake.
talking to cynthia.
wishing desperately she didn't live so far...

but..
i don't know my calorie intake for today.
or yesterday.
or friday for that matter.
i don't know what the fuck is going on.
i'm in and out of caring, of caring about anything..
i'm at 133.
i'd like to be 129 by thursday.
i'm gonna make it happen.
my stomach hurts.
i'm hungry.
oh fucking well.
i don't need food..
i want to go weigh myself..
i will.
still 133.
i was scared the coffee water weight would kick me up.
no.
still 133..

all over the place.
friday i stayed home from school because i just ached.
my bones hurt.
everything hurt.
i just didn't have the willpower to pull myself out of bed.

so.
friday i ended up eating like.. 1000 calories.
fucking fatass i know.
the only bonus was i burned off 900 of those calories.

saturday however..
god.
i can't even go into it.
or today.

i just..
i don't know.
i went to tifani's.
which was a major trigger.
and there i went.
eat, eat, eat.
it was..
it was awful.
i faked an upset stomach and purged at her house saturday night after the wedding
not a ton came up.
i took six laxatives.
not a lot came out.
i was back at 135 at like.. 3pm today.
i'm not checking again until tomorrow morning.
i stopped eating at 5.
just..
i don't need food ever again.
liquid fast until friday morning.
i actually feel capable.
my fast thursday was extremely successful.
so.
here's hoping i can drag it out and not let the light-headedness corrupt me like it did friday..
so.

cw- 135
high- 153
low- well, the lowest in the last few years- 132 - as of friday morning >.< i ruined it.
and gw1- 125 by march 11th.
10 pounds in 11 days. :/

gw2- 120 by march 17th.
5 pounds in 7 days- this will be extremely hard.

gw3-115 by march 30th.
5 pounds in 13 days.
should be doable.

ultimategw- 110. by my birthday. -april 16th.  5 pounds in 17 days.
easy.

i'm capable.
i've got willpower.
i can do this.

think thin.

to ashamed to even post on ana queen.
binged.
again.
after my amazing day yesterday..
i think i freak myself out after i have a good day cause i'm so nervous to ruin it.
then i do.
i don't know..
i took laxatives.
four.
so.
i'll be hurting soon.
lolz..
ah.
i feel so fat and drained and worthless.

138.
-sighs-
i was supposed to be 134 today..
yeah.
repulsive.

access to a scale did not make me happy.
139.
granted, its at the end of the day..
but..
still.
jesus christ, i'm disgusting.

whatever.
i'm working on it.
i burned 350 calories on the treadmill. i only planned on 300.
so.
i'm pleased.
especially since i pushed myself harder than i knew i could even go.
i think i'm gonna jump into the five day fast with a few others online.
my fast will probably consist of at least a gronala bar a day though.
or i'll binge.
ha.
i'm still weak.
i need to get my will-power back like i had it this summer.
ah.
tomorrows a new day.
i'll post my weight as soon as i wake up.

FAT FAT FAT.
that is all.

day two of abc.
(:
500 calories.
i'm feeling good.
telling myself everything will be okay.
hopefully telling myself will make it true.
(:

so.
i'm currently eating a yogurt- 80 calories.
and i plan on having a lean cuisine or smart ones for dinner- roughly 300 calories.
i'll update the actual numbers later, but right now i just wanted to have a rough estimate of how i'd be doing.
i have to be very careful tonight- my dad's house is where i binge.
especially cause my grandpa's in town- we'll prolly make a big dinner or try to go out.
i don't care.
i'm having my lean cuisine no matter what they make for dinner.
and if we go out..
ah. :/
i'll get a salad and pick everything off.
hopefully that'll work- i hate not knowning the actual calories of what i eat. :/

any suggestions/ tips for making tonight easier?

much love babes.
think thin, think gorgeous (: